Bad Drivers…

I never suggested you were a bad driver….

They come in all shapes and sizes, but they never fail to impress me with their colossal scale of stupidity. It doesn’t take a genius to know that red means stop and green means go, but if you happen to be color blind, then I hope you will accept my apology for the rude nature of my last comment. It’s infuriating! That person driving the speed limit when you’re running late or the person who actually slows down at a yellow light instead of slamming their gas pedal through the floor of their car. How selfish can one person be? I am going to warn you of the potentially obscene levels of hypocrisy that you are about to indulge in…so grab some popcorn. 

There are a few categories of drivers, and in an attempt to remain politically correct, I will use very broad descriptions. So, there are the slow drivers, the rule followers, the speeders, the “let’s put mascara on at the light” drivers, the low riders, the high riders, the occasional bad-ass (or not) biker, and then there’s me…I’m perfect. I’m sure I’m missing a few, so you can fill in the blanks. If you are anything like me, you find yourself running late to class and end up at the intersection with the slowest light in town surrounded by the slow drivers and rule followers. There cannot possibly be a worse punishment for sleeping through your alarm, so step on it buddy. How can we really define a “bad driver?” Well, I will inform you that it’s an extremely flexible definition and fits to almost any scenario. To be a bad driver is to be unaware of the panicking business man running late behind you, it is someone who slows down instead of speeds through the yellow light, it’s the Subaru driver with a screaming child in the back, it’s the driver finding enjoyment out of purposely pissing off other drivers, it’s the cute but incredibly irritating grandma, it’s the freshly licensed 16 year old, and it’s the person who refuses to admit that they fit into any of the listed categories. Oh, and I should remind you that I conveniently do not fit into any of these categories. 

Okay, okay, okay. Maybe I’m not being fair, so I’ll give you a little background to this extremely (un)productive rant. If you’ve read my previous posts, you would know I live in the incredibly diverse town of Greeley, Colorado, and within this incredibly diverse town comes some incredibly interesting driving techniques. For example, one week into school a couple of my friends and I were driving through my school’s library parking lot when we were t-boned by one of our school’s prized golfers. I will inform you, however, that the situation became much less irritating once we realized the minimal damage and the extremely attractive culprit exiting the driver’s seat of the car. It was no more than a couple days later that my friend got pulled over for going five mph over the speed limit…WTF. I know, I rolled my eyes too. But it’s not even the ticket that pissed me off, but rather the 5,000 idiots that zoomed past us as we were getting ticketed. In Greeley it is not an unusual occurrence to see someone use a sidewalk as a four-wheeling route through an intersection or to wrap a u-turn in the middle of a busy street because they saw one of their neighbors at the previous stop light. So, in respect to the emphatically annoying driving habits of this town, I thought I’d shed some light on the situation.

Yes, there is a difference between a bad driver and an oversensitive and under-caffeinated college student that is running late to class, and yes, I’m speaking from experience. However, in a moment of overly-sensitized stress, it is very easy to mold these two categories together. Is it just me or is it becoming abundantly clear that a “bad driver” is a mood-based opinion? Hell, if I’m in a good mood, go ahead and let your kid scream and cry in the back of your Subaru, keep applying that mascara girl, and drive as slow as you want because I’m doing just fine listening to Jesse McCartney’s “Beautiful Soul.” Now, if I’m running late and my hair looks like a desperate attempt to look put together, you better put your Subaru in drive and hand the kid the candy, put the damn mascara down, and put the petal to the metal because U2’s “With or Without you” has a purpose.

I guess now would be the time to admit the very few flaws I have: I, on numerous accounts, have gotten out of my car at a red light in a slow intersection for a momentary dance party. I will also admit that I have never done this without thoroughly embarrassing my friends who sat in the car waiting for me to finish my nonsense…live a little people! Let’s see here…I am a terrible backseat driver, just ask my friend Maddy, although I will defend myself in saying that she fits into almost all “bad driving” categories. I also have a false belief that if I squeeze my legs together hard enough I will somehow slow down or speed up the car and that yelling “holy shit Maddy!” will actually make her straighten the car out. It’s a problem I promise to work on as long as these Greeley drivers learn how to drive in straight lines and stop applying mascara at stoplights. Lastly, I have yet to get a speeding ticket, however I do have a particularly painful habit of slamming on the brakes every time I see a cop or a car that resembles one. You are lying if your heart doesn’t fall through your ass every time you see a cop turn out of a side street, but I just so happen to have a very obvious reaction to it. Yeah, yeah…I have some things I need to work on.

Yep, they come in all shapes and sizes, but I stand corrected because they almost always surprise me with their new levels of stupidity…the median is there for a reason. On the other hand, maybe I should start getting up earlier because I probably wouldn’t have so much misdirected animosity towards Subaru drivers and mascara junkies. So yes, maybe a “bad driver” is a mood-based definition, but I won’t budge on a hot golfer’s unjustifiable reason for t-boning us in a parking lot. The streets are dangerous, be careful out there.

…I’m sure that mailbox totally swerved into your lane!

Inspiration for post: Getting t-boned in a parking lot, mascara junkies, and speeding tickets.

Cue The Music: (press to listen)

ºBeautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney

ºOcean Drive by Duke Dumont

ºFast Car by Tracy Chapman




2 thoughts on “Bad Drivers…

  1. I had no idea that YOU were such a talented writer……how exciting to read your thoughts, humor, ideas etc. thanks Maggie for sharing, love you, Grandma


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