Difficult to wait for…
Tough love, loving someone, remembering someone you loved, waiting for love, wishing it was love, loving yourself, falling in love, or falling out of love, whatever the version, it’s so hard. It is one of the most complex, infuriating, sought-after, long lasting, imprinting, and devastating emotions that a human can experience. You can’t help but crave the fire your two bodies make as they press together but you can’t stand when their attention is somewhere else, yet once the fire has been lit again, nothing else exists. The world melts away as you entangle your bodies, your hearts, and your mutual desires into a deep, unexplainable perfectly imperfect expression of love…hard love. What a beautiful disaster it is; it will light a fire of passion, drive someone into complete oblivion, take the carpet from beneath you, and it will do it all at the same time.
The raging heat behind the “I hate you” when you’ve been wronged, the tears and snot dripping from your face when you just don’t understand, the swollen heart in your chest when they enter the room, the breath that leaves your lungs when you feel their lips on your neck; it’s all a result of the extremely complex, perfectly imperfect, unforgivably obliterating thing that we call love. I’ve never been in love, but I’ve seen it when it’s there and I’ve seen it when it’s gone. It’s a fascinating concept, and one that I don’t think anyone will truly understand because whether it’s there or it has already left, you’ve experienced it’s enigmatic ability to eliminate any rational, all while making perfect sense. It can’t be confined or defined within a four letter word because it so much more than that and it would be an injustice to the extremely painful and impossibly wonderful feeling that swells up in your chest when it’s there…and when it’s there, you know. You know because it isn’t soft, it isn’t weak or small, and it isn’t explainable but rather the most grounding, incredibly strong, and defiant force with an extraordinary demand to be felt.
He slams the door and as it closes you feel your heart go with it, your daughter is crying in the basement and there is nothing you can do to fix it, your parents get divorced and your dad leaves and you wonder how you missed it, and you sit there wondering how this supposedly perfect thing called love left you so incredibly bruised. You kick the dust over your tears, you wipe the black mascara from beneath your eyes and refuse to feel it ever again. It’s hard…love I mean, because it refuses to be left behind, but then there’s a day when you realize nearly eight years have passed and without knowing it, love never actually left. Your dad is a phone call away, your mom is in love with your stepdad, your daughter is laughing again, and the tears that you once cried in protest have been absorbed back into the dust that you once kicked over them. It is stubborn and doesn’t ask permission to be a part of your life, it just is. Love isn’t defined by the constraints of a romantic relationship, but can be the driving force behind a mom’s heartbreak when her child skins their knee, the incredible bond between a close group of friends, or the person who is learning how to love them self…again. It demands to be felt no matter what kind of love it is, but regardless of it’s amendable definition, it’s hard.
Loving yourself: It is the basis of all love. You cannot properly love someone else until you’ve fallen in love with yourself. It is one of the most demanding jobs on this planet and not a single person is able to supply it for you because it requires an intrinsic flame that cannot be ignited by someone else’s accolade or flattery. We as humans have an explicit ability to connect our self worth to another person’s opinion regardless of the duration of their stay. I don’t have to look beyond this computer screen to know that you, whoever you are, are beautiful and worthy of love regardless of your own opinion, but it isn’t up to me to separate that fact from your fiction. Perfect is impossible, but to truly love yourself is to understand that you don’t need to perfect in order to be good, and that whoever is walking in or out of the door to your heart is completely unrelated to your goodness. You are going to be okay without them, I promise, because even if it takes an uncomfortable re-introduction with the person in the mirror, there is nothing more powerful then falling back in love with yourself. You aren’t supposed to fall in love with yourself in fear of a potentially lonely life, but rather to be comfortable in being alone and because there is something much less painful and immensely more beautiful about a person with an indestructible love for their own flaws. You’re a mess, you fall too easily, you share your heart with the wrong people, you snort when you laugh, you get angry, and you care too much…Well, to me, you sound human. You sound like someone in search of hard love, but maybe the answer isn’t waiting for you on the front porch with wilting red roses, but rather within the beautiful person staring back at you in the mirror as she attempts to go find it somewhere else…again. After all, you are the basis to that impossibly perfect imperfect that we all look for.
Her eyes pierce your soul as she looks at you, and his had sends chills down your spine when he takes your fingers into his own and that’s it…that is the moment. You finally realize that every minute you spent crying and protesting this immensely painful thing called love is finally showing you the perfect complexity that everyone has spent so much time trying to explain to you. But that’s the thing, it cannot be explained because the year you spent starving yourself in rejection of his incredibly irritating perfection was just as much a result of love as it was for you to rush to his side when he needed you the most. It’s those three simple, and extremely powerful words that get you every time…“you look good.” And there it went and here it goes because your entire world has just slipped into oblivion. I should tell you, though, about this story of love that I am so envious of. The reason it works, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is because it transcends all doubt and it refuses to be picked simply for it’s beauty, but instead for it’s wild, incredibly rare, and impossible ability to never be forgotten.
No one has ever spoken to her the way he has, and that’s why it makes it so easy for her to listen. It’s like his words melt on her tongue and absorb into her blood stream and nothing in this world can convince her he is wrong. He is her kryptonite. It’s the part of love that no one talks about…the blinding part. It’s incomprehensible and it is so hard. You spilled coffee on your favorite shirt, you can’t afford rent this month, and you failed a test but the minute you walk into the room and see him sitting there, your entire world goes black. He wraps his fingers into your hair, and poof, nothing else matters because you’ve gone insensitive to anything besides his touch. It’s like a sailor’s red sunrise- incredibly beautiful with a potential forecast of disaster. Ah yes, what is more beautiful then a sun before it lights up the darkness? Everyone has there weakness, mine happens to be a sunrise, your’s just happens to be him. It goes in cycles and like the sun it will light your world on fire and then go dark, taking your sight with it.
No matter what version, it’s hard. It’s hard because human’s seek to explain the unexplainable and love just so happens to be impossibly possible…it is the sharpest knife, and a cure for the deepest wound, and yet we crave both. I’ve never been in love, but I know that it is one of the only things that can transcend death and the cataclysms that so deeply imprint us. It makes absolutely no sense, but it is perfectly clear, because when you feel it, you know what it is and it is in that moment that you root yourself into the deep complexity and pure simplicity of it’s staggering ability to change everything. Your heart swells when he takes your hand, she pierces your soul with her deep brown eyes, the sound of your daughter laughing again is the sweetest re-introduction, you fall out of love and fall back into it with someone else, and it is in these moments that we find the one thing everyone spends so much time searching for…hard love.
…worse to regret
Inspiration for post: The impossibly possible, the potential of you, and love
Cue The Music: (press to listen)
º80’s Films by John Bellion (this is one of my favorite songs)